


the dreams in which i'm dying

by doingthewritethings



Category: Mahou Shoujo Madoka Magika | Puella Magi Madoka Magica
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Death, F/F, Heartbreak, Hurt/Comfort, I've only watched the anime, Introspection, Moving On, Mutual Pining, Poetry, Romance, WHERE DID THIS COME FROM, all that good shit, break-ups, but also like, it's 1 in the morning, it's a problem, not really death, the answer is probably hell, why do all my fics happen at 1 in the morning, word vomit
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-24
Updated: 2017-04-24
Packaged: 2018-10-23 09:06:34
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10716384
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doingthewritethings/pseuds/doingthewritethings
Summary: Lots of memories run through her head, blurring together to form a mess of shapes and colors.or, the one where Sayaka and Kyoko meet up after their deaths and talk through some things.





	the dreams in which i'm dying

**Author's Note:**

> My friend dared me to do a word sprint with the prompt "Sayaka/Kyoko angst" and it somehow grew into this.  
> I've been writing a lot of oneshots to procrastinate what I'm actually supposed to be writing, not gonna lie.  
> Title from Mad World by Jasmine Thompson (I don't think she wrote it?? but that's my favorite version).

The last thing Sayaka knew before she died was Kyoko.

Lots of thoughts ran through her mind. Thoughts of best friends who kept secrets and defended each other to the grave. Thoughts of best friends who didn't know anything about you, definitely not as much as they thought they did. Thoughts of heartbreak and violin music.

Sayaka was determined her last thought wouldn't be of violin music.

Then, in her memory, she flitted past a horrible crunching and the one girl she thought could never be hurt, could never die was-

Sayaka was imploding, was turning into a witch. In the front of her mind, she knew that. In the the back of her mind, however, she nestled in between memories. If she pretended like she wasn't dying long enough, maybe she wouldn't be. It had worked so far.

Her last and final thought, though, was of a redheaded girl who she might've been a little in love with.

Okay. A lot in love with.

As she surrendered to the oblivion, Sayaka thought of Kyoko. She thought of the past she had been told about, her father and his religion that was going to save the world. How she thought that if she gave up her soul, everyone else could keep theirs.

Every offer that sounds too good to be true is. Every contract with an alien is bound to have translation errors. Every deal with a demon isn't going to go well for the mortal.

Sayaka opened her eyes to get a glimpse of heaven (if that was even where she had gone), and saw red eyes.

"Hey," said Kyoko.

It took Sayaka a second to register what was happening. Was this a fever dream? Was this a hallucination?

(Was this hell, her being doomed to an eternity with her love, never to be reciprocated? Would it be an eternity of Kyosuke all over again?)

Kyoko smiled. "Hey."

Suddenly, all the puzzle pieces fell into place.

She had always been too sacrificial for her own good. She liked to pretend, sure, she liked to put up an act. Nothing ever hurt her, she cared about no one, and that was just a fact of life. Another fact of life, too; Kyoko was always looking out for the greater good. She wanted nothing more than the people she loved to be happy, at the cost of herself.

Sayaka wondered if this meant she was a person Kyoko loved, before brushing that aside.

"You _didn't_."

"I did."

The rush of overwhelming gratitude gave way to a sudden surge of anger. "How _could_ you?! Madoka is back there, and Homura, they're still fighting against the imminent destruction of our city. How could you die, how could you become a witch knowing that?"

Kyoko refused to look her in the eye.

"I couldn't do it."

Sayaka's brow furrowed. "What?"

"I couldn't do it. Every day without you would be death, would be the same as dying but worse. Living would have no meaning if you weren't there to give it some. I knew you were gone. I knew I would have to fight against you, to kill you. I knew I would have to use your soul to purify my own." She shook her head slowly. "I could never dream of doing that."

Sayaka wilted. "You could've done it. For the greater good, right?"

Kyoko looked at her exasperatedly. An apple had materialized from somewhere, and she took a large bite of it. "You gave up your life for that boy. You gave up everything you had, sacrificed all of your other relationships, just so he could be happy. You can't pretend you don't know what this feels like. You can't pretend you wouldn't have done the same thing, because you have."

"Are- are you saying you love me?" Sayaka said, ignoring the rest.

Kyoko gave her another look, took another bite. "Would I be here if I didn't?"

Sayaka shook her head. "There's no way you're really here. I'm probably dreaming. I'll wake up right now, and Hitomi will be poking me awake, and Madoka will laugh at what a great student I am." Her eyes were wet, suddenly. Kyoko didn't mention it.

"Keep telling yourself that. For all I can guess, we have an eternity to have this argument."

Something inside Sayaka broke, then.

She thought every emotion in her body was gone, dead, withered away like she was. She was a shell of herself, and she was the one who had condemned herself to this fate. It turned out, though, that even soulless creatures still have breaking points. Even unfeeling husks can cry.

It had to be so. Otherwise, Sayaka wouldn't be hurting so damn much.

"I remember the first time we met, we tried to kill each other. Now, the last time we meet, we have died together. Poetic, I suppose."

Kyoko laughed bitterly. "Nothing about this is poetic. Nothing about our lives went the way it was supposed to. In a better world, we could have had a future together."

Sayaka was suddenly possessed with a bittersweet recklessness. "We still can!"

Kyoko shook her head. "We're dead, and so are our chances."

"Don't talk like that. You're Kyoko Sakura! You don't bother to listen to flimsy things like what's impossible! If you want to kiss me as much as I want to kiss you, then you'd better step up and take this chance, because it's the last chance you'll ever get."

Kyoko smiled, genuinely smiled, a bit like she had forgotten how. "I thought you'd never ask."

She stood up, and Kyoko's lips were on hers, and if she spent an eternity like this then nothing else would matter. If she could spend forever and always with this girl, no other hardship or ache of the past would make any difference. They could even listen to classical music without the familiar pang of heartbreak.

They broke apart, both grinning from ear to ear. There was a couch behind them that there hadn't been before, and they each took a seat.

From behind them, a familiar voice came.

"I thought you two would never get your act together."

Sayaka and Kyoko whirled around in unison to see Mami, who sat down on the third and final couch cushion. There was a moment of silence.

"I wonder if they'll have us funerals," said Sayaka.

"Probably not for us. They might, for you. Madoka loves you. In our case, though, a visit from death was overdue. The universe has to balance itself out," Mami replied serenely.

Sayaka buried her head in Kyoko's lap. She smelled like raspberries. "I was so stupid. The chance for a great life was right there, right in front of me. I just, I just passed it by. Without a second thought. Now, of course, I've got until the end of time for second thoughts."

"I've found it does no one any good to resent the past. It happened, and it's done with, and now you have to make amends and move on," said Kyoko.

"That's pretty deep for a ghost," she said, moving up to bury her face in the fabric of the other's shirt.

"You're an adorable couple."

"Shut up, Mami."

"I'm just saying."

There was a pause.

"Are we just going to sit here and mope all day? C'mon, if I'm going to be sad, I'm at least going to have the proper food," Kyoko said, standing up suddenly.

"Where do you even get things from around here?" Sayaka wasn't even going to begin on the topic of where, exactly, 'here' was.

Mami shrugged. "Stuff usually appears as soon as I think of it. You can try."

Sayaka closed her eyes and imagined a chocolate cake.

She opened them again. Nothing.

"You have to really want it," Mami added.

Sayaka closed her eyes again. She imagined the creaminess of the frosting, the moist, warm cake. She pictured the strawberries interwoven into the whipped cream, the candles flickering on the top, waiting to be blown out.

She opened her eyes a second time, and there it was.

Kyoko smirked. "Teach me your ways, Jedi master."

Mami looked at her blankly. "What?"

"It's a reference t- you know what, I'm gonna see if I can materialize Star Wars. We need some entertainment."

Sayaka was struck with a sudden, crazy thought.

She closed her eyes and thought of Kyosuke.

Nothing happened.

_You have to really want it._

_You have to make amends and move on._

For the first time, Sayaka considered that she might be ready. She was something that had once been, nothing more, nothing less. Hitomi would be a good match for him. She had given up her very existence for a boy, and gotten nothing in return.

She considered, though, that a relationship between them could never be healthy. She was no longer human, she was no longer something recognizable. She was no longer the Sayaka she had been a year, a month, a day ago.

She had made a sacrifice for him that he could never repay, and debts always get in the way of love.

He was in his present, and she was in hers. Their paths had met, and diverged. She took the way headed east, he took the way headed west, and she had clung to the foolish hope that they would meet again.

They could have, of course, but that would require walking around the earth. She was willing to meet him halfway, and he required her to meet him all the way.

She met him all the way, and he didn't show up.

What she was trying to say was, she wasn't sure what she was trying to say. Sometimes love isn't all it's cracked up to be. Sometimes love is everything it's cracked up to be.

She looked at Kyoko and Mami, who were now having an argument about whether Star Wars began at the 1st film or the 4th.

There was nothing to do now but sit back and wait for Madoka to join them.

(Sayaka had no doubt that someday she would, probably dragging Homura in tow.)

She leaned down, kissed Kyoko's cheek, imagined a blanket, and wrapped it around the three of them.

"We're not going anywhere," she said, stepping in before the argument got too heated. "Forever can spare a few hours to watch the originals, the prequels, the sequels, and the prequels again."

Mami laughed. Kyoko shoved four cookies in her mouth at once.

Sayaka Miki was at peace.

**Author's Note:**

> As always, comments are appreciated, and feel free to hit me up at doingthewritethings on Instagram.


End file.
